Donald Trump's cybersecurity plan: Build a firewall. It'll be huge! And the Russian hackers will pay for it.
If I had a dinosaur infestation in my apartment, I'd fill the plumbing with bacon grease. Because everyone knows that to get rid of dinosaurs, you first would need a meatier shower.
O U T
...I wanted to think of another pun, but I was too busy spacing out.
Geography by D.J. Khaled: "Yo, those islands south of Florida are Key...West!"
This elevator I'm on uses an automated voice to notify people of what floor they are on, and in which direction the elevator is moving. Isn't that the most poetic thing you've ever heard?
It speaks to me on so many levels.
I thought of a killer pun today. I don't remember what it was, but it was a hit, man.
The jails in New York must be craaaazy secure. It's amazing to me that over the course of the city's history, NYC has only ever had five burrows.
During production of Suicide Squad, people could not stop talking about how Jared Leto sent his fellow cast members a dead pig. I don't know why anyone was surprised, though. That guy's always hogging the spotlight.
The FBI raided the home of a man responsible for pirating thousands of CDs. Rather than put up a struggle, however, he simply gave an empty stare as he repeated, "Burn them all."
@TheYellowBrickRoad has to be the most popular Twitter account by now.
I want to open up a night club. I think I'd call it "The Bubble Wrap"...that place would be poppin'.
How does the Fish King execute his subjects? He uses a gillotine.
People who wear velcro shoes are so lacist.
Worked out my biceps and triceps at the gym today. Some guy came in and started doing the same workout and tried going faster than me, so I sped up the pace a little. I guess you could say it turned into an arms race.
A casino in Las Vegas was shut down after a failed food safety inspection. After a quick drug test, inspectors found that the casino's steaks were high.
Why do pirates love clothes shopping in the fifth month of the year? They're always talking about their May tees.
What's a pirate's favorite party decoration? Da b'loons.
Pirates make terrible art directors. For one thing, they always have a poop deck.
A snowman was flirting with a snowoman, making her laugh and feel warm on the inside. After catching her breath, she said, "Oh, stop. You're making me slush!"
When a planet dies, it appears in the orbituaries.
Japanese Jews don't say goodbye. They say Zionara.